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Have you heard the one about...

 
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lizardo



Joined: 02 Sep 2005
Posts: 497
Location: Winnipeg

PostPosted: Nov 21, 2007 7:37 pm    Post subject: Have you heard the one about... Reply with quote

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks:

"What's wrong with your turtle?"

"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"

"Not a chance!", replies the barkeep.

"Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.

The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says - "I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!"

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TurdleEggs



Joined: 31 Jul 2005
Posts: 687
Location: Ste Genevieve

PostPosted: Nov 21, 2007 9:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A guy walks into a bar, as he sits down on a stool he notices there's a lizard telling jokes on the stage. The guy says to the barman

"What’s with the lizard?"

The barman replies,

"Oh he's the stand up chameleon.”

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lizardo



Joined: 02 Sep 2005
Posts: 497
Location: Winnipeg

PostPosted: Nov 21, 2007 10:06 pm    Post subject: Another one. Reply with quote

A bruised and battered turtle crawls into a police station. He says to the cop: "A gang of snails just beat me up!". The cop says: "Did you get a good look at them?". The turtle says: "Well, no, it all happened so fast!".
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glacier_ice



Joined: 16 Aug 2007
Posts: 744

PostPosted: Nov 22, 2007 2:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I couldn't resist, since this just arrived in my email box. Very Happy

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grnbrg



Joined: 27 Sep 2005
Posts: 248
Location: 49°48.505', -97°08.066'

PostPosted: Nov 22, 2007 4:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from the front of his pants. He steps up to the bar and demands "Arrrr, Matey! Fetch me some grog!"

The bartender looks at him and replies "Uh...yeah, sure, but can I ask you one question first?"

The pirate says, "Aye, Matey. What be it?"

The bartender says, "Er, did you know that you have a steering wheel down your pants?"

"Aye, Matey..." replies the pirate. "Aye. It's driving me nuts!"


grnbrg.

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TurdleEggs



Joined: 31 Jul 2005
Posts: 687
Location: Ste Genevieve

PostPosted: Nov 22, 2007 3:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Did anyone else notice the Turdle always gets demolished while the Lizard gets tips and free drinks?

**********************************************

A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder. He walks up to the bar and asks for a pint for himself and a half pint for Tiny, his lizard.

The barman looks a little taken aback but serves him and Tiny. Finally, curiosity gets the better of him;

Barman: Why do you call him Tiny?

Man: Because he's my newt.

**********************************************

The really funny thing is I found it on an ESL Classroom page. Tormenting ESL students through Lizard puns!

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lizardo



Joined: 02 Sep 2005
Posts: 497
Location: Winnipeg

PostPosted: Nov 22, 2007 7:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cooking tips from Ninjas

http://www.brokenfork.com/2007/11/21/cooking-with-ninjas-episode-1-ninja-sandwich/

Sounds delicious.

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Butterfly
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PostPosted: Mar 03, 2008 6:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Here's the thread this belongs to...


A young man named John was given a parrot. However the parrot had a really bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Everything the parrot said was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary.John finally lost his cool and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and more rude! In desperation John grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer! For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked and screamed. Then there was total silence! Not a peep was heard for over a minute! Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned by the change in the bird's attitude! He was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior when the bird said "May I ask what the turkey did?",
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lizardo



Joined: 02 Sep 2005
Posts: 497
Location: Winnipeg

PostPosted: Nov 12, 2008 5:45 am    Post subject: Turbo Turdle Reply with quote

After watching this video, I think I may be on to a theory that explains sudden bursts of speed from a certain Turdle.

http://englishrussia.com/?p=2022

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glacier_ice



Joined: 16 Aug 2007
Posts: 744

PostPosted: Nov 13, 2008 4:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

So the theory is that Turdle has gas?
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ohmic



Joined: 07 Nov 2006
Posts: 469
Location: Winnipeg

PostPosted: Nov 18, 2008 10:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't mess with Turdles!
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glacier_ice



Joined: 16 Aug 2007
Posts: 744

PostPosted: Nov 19, 2008 3:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gn8EQ0azXpQ

A video documentary on how Turdle finds his caches.
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